In this blog post I will be responding to a question from my guided journal, My Trichster Diaries. Please feel free to share your answer in the comments below.
Trichotillomania has made me feel powerless. It has ruined my mood, my day, many events I had looked forward to, and things that I have enjoyed. It felt like a beast that would come and pummel me whenever it felt like it. I had no choice in the matter. All I could do was grit my teeth and wait for it to be over.
As I've aged with this disorder I've tried many different management strategies and learned which ones work for me. I've also honed in on what triggers my pulling and because of that, I've been able to have (what I view as) success. Although there are times where I feel completely powerless, they are few and far between. Those moments are so rare I'm finding it hard to even remember the most recent one. What stands out to me now is how powerful I feel when facing this disorder. Who would've thought?
A moment that stands out to me, one that made me feel in control of my trichotillomania, happened a little over a year ago. Not to say I haven't had more of those moments since then, this one just feels really good. I felt super proud of myself.
I was sitting on the couch (a place where I find myself pulling) and I noticed my hands started to feel "busy." I know that sounds weird, well—maybe it doesn't if you also have trichotillomania/a body-focused repetitive behavior (BFRB) and are reading this—but my hands had their own energy. To the naked eye they weren't moving but I could tell they wanted to. They clearly wanted something to do. Right away something inside me went: GIVE THEM SOMETHING TO DO! Because I knew that if I didn't they would find something to do and that something would be feeling for a crinkly hair to pull out. And poof! I'd be pulling my hair out for the rest of the day.
At the time I had materials to make friendship bracelets on my coffee table and so I got up and started making some. I ended up making different BFRB related friendship bracelets that I then sold to raise money for different BFRB foundations! We've raised almost $1,000!
When I was younger I wasn't as in tune with my trichotillomania/body. I would have never noticed that "busy" feeling because I was too busy wondering what I did to deserve such a brutal disorder.
Learning more about my disorder has helped me feel powerful rather than powerless.
P.S. I really wasn't kidding about the bracelets!
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